The Consequence of Emotion
by Tw1st
Summary: Revan is faced with the hard consequences of feeling pain and - Force forbid it - possible love when forced to cope with the desertion of her closest friend.


**Author's note: **Just another Carth and Revan snippet, not unlike my other fic, "Distractions of a Battlefield".

The Jedi fell to her knees and sank into the red sand of Korriban, bowing her forehead onto her open palmed hands and releasing a single gasping, angered cry. The planet, like everything else in her life, could fall apart beneath her legs and she wouldn't even take a moment to find a sense of surprise in it. Everything that she knew – everything that she _was_ – was suddenly a big lie. The biggest lie in the galaxy, in fact. She had lost who she was, she had lost her only true friends, and now, as she kneeled alone in the red desert, she found that nothing could happen that would make her feel any more betrayed or hurt than she already did.

True Baill had spent the past several months being strong. She had been the rock in the crew that kept everyone's tense and nervous emotions at bay, holding everyone together like a metaphorical adhesive glue. She had been there for Mission as the young twi'lek went through an emotional roller coaster with her brother. She had been there for Juhani who had lost her way in the darkness and fought day after day to crawl back into the light. She had been there for Canderous who, though he didn't show it, was pained and internally scarred by his past and the wars. She had been there for Jolee, whose family problems teetered barely above the scale of Mission's. But this planet had run her dry, and the previous night's unhinging revelations had driven her far over the edge, and now – more than ever in her entire life – she needed someone to be _her_ rock. But who was left to take on that responsibility? Bastila had been taken, and that was True's fault. The crew was still struggling with the fact that their fearless leader turned out to be the old master of the Sith they sought to kill. And then…

_He's not coming back. You've lost him._

True dropped her hands into the red, surprisingly cold sand beneath her, and grabbed a fistful of the planet's dust up into her grasp. The wind picked up around her body with the stinging chill of the Sith Academy's home planet, and she spread her fingers to allow the sand to trickle down through her knuckles and spin wildly about her. If tears could fall from her cheeks, now would be an opportune time. Unfortunately for her, there were so many human feelings being suppressed by absent-minded Jedi teachings that she could only allow her emotions to take her so far. Certainly she understood that feeling sorry for herself was never going to get Bastila back, destroy Malak, or save the galaxy… but she had to let _some_ of it out. She had to allow some kind of humanity to break through and release the pain.

"True, it's going to be – " Mission's innocent, soft voice began to speak from somewhere behind True, but the Twi'lek was quickly hushed into silence by Jolee.

Without glancing back to check True could feel the two companions she chose to travel the planet with (disguised as her 'slaves') backing away and dragging their feet heavily over the dark red sand and rocks. This was probably for the best, though she desperately wanted to turn toward the duo and beg them to stay. Stay, and do what? Watch her fall apart before them? She needed to be alone, even though she didn't want to be. And wasn't that the _irony_ in it all? She had spent the past few months desperately sneaking off and grasping onto small opportunities of detachment from the crew, longing for some peace and quiet. _Give me time to myself_, she would inwardly plead to an unknown source over and over again – and now here she was, finding herself in a lonely situation full of wanting nothing more than someone to comfort and accompany her in her darkest hour.

Perhaps now was the opportune time to look back at what had gotten her here. She could only avoid the situation for so long, hiding behind her old identity and way of living. Fortunately, Korriban had helped in distracting her from all that was wrong in the universe – but now their journey on the Sith planet was coming to an end and all of the busy work she had diverted to was over. True shut her eyes tightly and angrily as she reflected on what she had devoted half of her time on the planet doing; rescuing Dustil. Dustil who, in the end, turned out to be just as stubborn and kind-hearted as his father. But of course, as she should have foreseen, releasing Carth Onasi's son also meant releasing Carth Onasi. Why was she surprised? What really kept the space pilot with her after the discovery of her true identity? What did Carth Onasi have to hold onto now, except his son? Nothing, and that was why the moment Dustil came to realize that the Sith were nothing but liars and betrayers, he agreed to leave Korriban far behind with Carth was quick to follow.

An ache plucked selfishly at True's heart. She was naïve to think that he would stay with her. She had seen the look in his soft, hazel eyes when Saul Karath fell to his death, revealing the truth about True's past. She saw the way his whole demeanor shifted when Bastila confirmed to him that what the dead Admiral had said was true. She felt the way he retracted from her when she announced to the whole crew that she was, in fact, accused of being Revan - and that she knew it to be the truth.

_And now he's gone. Forever._

She wanted to be mad. She wanted to have the strength to call him a liar and a quitter. And yet, deep down, she couldn't bring any of these feelings or actions to the surface. She knew that even if the option to go back in time and smack him square across the face had presented itself, she couldn't bring herself to do it. Why? Why didn't she hate him? Why was she so _hurt_?

Quieting her mind, taking advantage of the fact that she was now very alone, the red-headed Jedi arched her back and allowed herself to feel.

* * *

Carth ran a strong, steady hand through his dark hair, looking at everything but her, tensing and loosening his jaw in awkward silence. His blaster was swinging casually at his hip – which, given his current demeanor, came as a slight shock. True had half expected him to have it in his hand, pointing it straight at her face, square between her gray eyes.

As they stood in silence True found herself wanting to say something – no. She wanted _him_ to say something.

The ship felt like it was closing in around them as True she caught sight of the messy bag that was sitting casually behind the pilot's right leg. A lump began to work its way up from True's chest and into her throat, nestling just above her airway. Was that _really_ what it looked like?

As if he caught her glimpse, Carth cleared his throat and staggered swiftly to the side, allowing her to view the entirety of his bag of things in all of its glory. _This_ was how he was going to break it to her? _This_ was how he was going to announce his departure? _This_ was how he was going to… shatter her?

"Er – thank you for helping me find Dustil. It… it means a lot." He struggled, as if pained to speak.

True glanced at the bag, then at Carth in disbelief, then back at the bag. "Clearly not enough."

Carth cringed. Was it pain, or sorrow? She wasn't sure. His dark, gentle eyes flicked up to her face and he stared at her for a long moment. No, he stared _through_ her. "Listen, I can't – "

"No. I understand." She didn't. "It's ok." It wasn't.

Nodding, Carth reached back and hooked his arm around the looping handle of the bag. When he shrugged it up over his muscled shoulder, hanging it down over his hideous yellow jacket (oh – that _awful_ thing), he gave her the courtesy of a half-assed smile. A complete rush of fear sprinkled across her body, heightening every sense from the tip of her fingertips to the back of her neck. At one point in her past life, she would have lost all sense of calm and thrown herself at him in a swinging, cursing torpedo. Now, however, she couldn't allow herself to lose control, especially now that she knew what she had once been capable of – she just couldn't lose herself. She couldn't lose herself _around_ him.

But she couldn't lose him either!

Everything moved in slow motion around her as Carth's lips dropped into a frown and he made a step forward, making a clear gesture to move past her. Her heart stopped as she hesitated in allowing herself to twist her body to the side, giving him free access to push his way past her in the narrow hallway. She had half of a mind to reach out and grab him around the wrist, pulling him back to her, demanding that he stay – but he clearly wanted to leave. He longed desperately to be with the son that life had so cruelly ripped away from him many years ago. He wanted to live a life far away from all of this overwhelming danger and, more importantly, he wanted to be away from Revan. From True.

Watching Carth Onasi walk away had the potential to be the single most heart-wrenching moment of her life.

Love was something that was not encouraged among the Jedi and it was almost completely forbidden. The Sith insisted that all feelings and emotions were tied to the Force and therefor were necessary to explore. If she had loved Carth, she would never know for certain, for she had unwillingly devoted her time to accepting and abiding by the laws and ways of the Jedi. She hadn't wanted to be a Jedi, she hadn't wanted to learn how to wield the Force, and she most certainly didn't want to hold the knowledge that she was now the empty shell of a human who once was the Sith Lord Revan. However, given recent events, her human emotions would never be able to handle these situations with such ease.

She would _never_ be able to handle watching him walk away.

* * *

True continued to kneel on her knees in the middle of the red desert for as long as it took for her to calm her inner quarrels. Time may have denied her the courtesy of stopping, but life was gracious enough to allow her enough peace to gather herself into final composure. She wasn't sure how long she had sat there alone, meditating and watching the light fade into darkness beyond her closed eyelids, but she knew that it had been long enough for the planet's chilling air to engulf her stiff body.

Inhaling the deepest breath of pain that she had ever allowed herself to feel, True gently brought one knee up to her chest, then the other, and slowly straightened into a standing position on her feet. Legs weak and resistant, she was finally at full peace. Deep down in the depths of her soul True knew that Carth's leaving was the best thing for everyone and she understood that his departure opened the path for her full journey into becoming a Jedi. She knew that his leaving would allow him to live the life he always deserved, free of all of this excess baggage.

_This is the way of the Force._

Whether she liked it or not.

True finally opened her eyes to stare out at the dark red scenery before her, now shadowed by the night, internally preparing herself for the long walk ahead of her. The trek back to the ship would be long and tedious, for she had wandered out into the furthest reaches of the desert to emotionally crumble and re-build herself. As she stood, steady and newly re-energized with her narrow shoulders held back tight and strong, she felt a relieving weight lift from her shoulders and she basked happily in the feeling.

In her silent serenity the Jedi's ears suddenly twitched at the sound of crunching pebbles and sand beneath someone's feet, now standing close behind her. At first she was prepared to withdrew her light saber and twist around in a battle-read stance, but she was comforted by the reassuring assumption that it was either Jolee or Mission who had come back simply to make sure that she hadn't fallen to the Dark Side or given into her pathetic misery. Calmed by the image, True turned, smiling with reassurance to signal that she had come to terms with her wavering emotions; but she was swiftly caught off-guard by who stood behind her.

Soft brown eyes beamed through the still night's darkness at her, weak and full of regret, accompanied by the lingering glow of an ugly yellow jacket. True's immediate reaction was to shut her eyes and pinch herself, for she was almost completely certain that the tiring emotions of the day had gotten the best of her. Surely she was now spiraling into a full-on hallucination frenzy.

"I tried to leave," the space pilot's ever-warm voice said softly, painted with a remarkable amount of apology that True identified immediately.

The Jedi was so shocked by the sight of him that she found herself dumbfounded and lost for words, just like she had been earlier in the day when the same man that stood before her now had left. What could he possibly be standing in front of her for? Why had he come back? Emotions that she had spent all day trying to stifle were threatening to bubble up and explode…

"Did your … escape plan fail?" She asked finally, humorously. The confusion within her was building the longer the pilot stood before her. Was he _really_ there?

A short, quick chuckle from deep within his chest was the last piece of reality True needed to assure her that he was certainly there. "No, my 'escape plan' was rather solid."

True looked to the right, then to the left, squinting to see if anyone else had managed to find her out in the middle of the empty desert. She could sense that no one else was near, which only confirmed her internal inquiry as to how he had found her. Surely Mission had directed him – but why? Why was he here? She knew he had left earlier - she'd _felt_ him leave.

Before she could ask, the pilot took a step toward the Jedi and held up his hand with an erected finger to keep her silent. She had so many questions, so many things she wanted to say… but she could tell, from the way his soft expression morphed into a hard series of honesty, that he was about to explain. "I felt so betrayed when I found out who you were."

Oh – betrayed? He wanted to talk about feeling betrayed? True opened her mouth to immediately protest, but he poked his finger up in front of her face once again.

"I didn't believe that you couldn't remember your past – and it felt like Saul all over again. There was something dark and evil inside of you that I couldn't imagine had just _disappeared_." As he spoke, True could feel him unraveling. For the first time since she had known him he was about to open up and be as honest with her as he knew how to be. Swallowing hard, she clung to every word that he said without any intention of interrupting again. "But you helped me find my son. You helped him turn from the Dark Side and come back to me – and that… that's not evil."

He was silent for a moment, as if gathering his thoughts. True planted her feet as firmly into the planet's ground as physically possible, confident that she could stand still all night if it would keep him from leaving again.

"I got on the ship to leave. We were about to take off," He continued finally, running his hands over his face and exhaling in exasperated shock. When he dropped his hands he blurted out, "But I couldn't!"

True wasn't sure what he was saying, or what he was _trying_ to say. Was he mad, should she apologize? He seemed so completely flustered all of the sudden, like he couldn't make sense of why he was incapable of leaving – which, clearly, made two of them.

When he continued again he had gathered himself into a calmness that contrasted against the way he quickly spoke, trying desperately to wiggle his way to the point. "The moment I met you on Taris I knew you were something special. I knew you were one of the good ones… and I am ashamed that I allowed myself to lose sight of that beautiful person that I had built up as a saint in my mind."

Carth then took another step forward, closing the already small gap between them, and reached up to touch the Jedi's cool face. The feel of his hand was shockingly warm against the cold night's air and the kind gesture both confused and ignited her with a momentary foreign excitement that she had not felt in a very long time. He had never touched her like that before – in fact, no one had _ever_ touched her like that before.

"When I look into your eyes I see you for who you are. You're not Revan. You're True Baill – the quirky, sometimes extremely irritating woman that I have traveled across the galaxy with, and who I have built an incredibly strong bond with. And I'm not going to give up on you – on us. " His hand lingered on her cheek, his thumb beginning to rub gently below her eye, and his hazel gaze bore deep into her soul.

"I can't quit now. I can't be without you in this galaxy… I _won't_." His voice was husky and deep now, just above a whisper. "Can you forgive me?"

Could she forgive him? Could she simply forget what he had just admitted to? He didn't trust her, he lost all faith in her, he called her dark and evil – and mere hours ago he had had every intention of leaving her.

Above all other things, he had almost entirely broken her into an emotional pile of mush.

His deep, soft stare was beginning to consume her. She caught herself admiring his masculine features, taking in every aspect of his face from his strong jaw-line to the twin blades of hair that always hung over his right eye. She wanted so badly to lean slowly forward and close the last remaining distance between them, press her lips into his, breath in his scent …

She had to stop. If she had come to any revealing conclusions on this awful day, it was that she couldn't allow any of her emotions to get the best of her ever again.

Reaching gently up, True cupped her hand around Carth's hand and drew it slowly down and away from her face, whispering, "Always."

Carth watched her move in confusion as her considerably smaller hand lowered his warm palm from her face and then dropped it down at his side. The look on his face was pain, but he managed to mumble, "Good to hear."

True bit down on her lower lip, smiling weakly, and rubbed absentmindedly at her arms as a chilling breeze wrapped around her body. She wasn't sure if the sudden chill was from the cold atmosphere or if her body was sending her disapproving signals for turning the handsome space pilot down. Surely he had to understand? She couldn't go there. Not now, not possibly _ever_…

"Here take my jacket." Carth offered at the sight of her shiver, pulling her away from her thoughts as she watched him begin to shrug his yellow jacket quickly from his shoulders.

"Mmmno." The Jedi stammered quickly, raising her hand before her to halt him and scrunching her nose in disapproval. "You keep it."

Carth's eyes lit up as he doubled over into a laugh, long and steady. The sound of it brought a smile to True's lips and she was relieved to see some joy spring back into his posture.

"You _really_ hate it that much?" He asked at the end of his guffaw, beaming at her once again.

True nodded sympathetically and grabbed the corner of his yellow sleeve for emphasis. "It's possibly the worst thing I have ever seen."

Very expertly and quickly, Carth twisted his wrist around from where the Jedi held onto his jacket and wrapped his hand into hers, intertwining their fingers. "Well, get used to it, because you're going to be seeing it for a very long time."

True stared down at their hands, taken aback at how quickly it had happened. The feeling of his warm skin sent the same excited chill through her body that it had before, and for a moment she considered pulling away. When her eyes flicked back up to his face, however, she easily changed her mind. Carth understood. He, better than anyone in the galaxy, understood the idea of 'business before pleasure'. True had a destiny that needed to be fulfilled and Carth truly, absolutely understood that.

But in this moment, and for the long walk back to the ship across the eerily quiet desert of Korriban, they could pretend she didn't.


End file.
